I'm not insignificant !

It seems like everyday is a bad day for me .

I know this is a test from Allah but if you see ... the last 2 years , I sat for a big test (PMR) , I became someone who's not like me .

I hated everyone .

To make the story short , I was disrespectful child , girl , and so whatever I was back then .

This year , I'll be sitting for a big exam before I finish school (SPM) .

but last year I was fine 

It's like everyone is picking on me . So I'm the bad girl here .

Why won't I be ? Be nice to me , please ...

Why do I say I'm not insignificant ?

well .... PEOPLE IGNORES ME .. and it hurts 

and when I isolate myself from others , people say that I'm arrogant .

but when I be like "oh hey *bla bla bla*" , they would just look at me and ignore me .

JUST WHAT ON EARTH IS THIS SHHH@#$%^ !!!?

If you're not sure if I just talked to you or not , do ask weh !

Don't be like 'did she talk to me ..... well I guess not' .

Why is everybody being this to me ?

I know there are those who experience way worst than me but , lemme just write this whole crap out of me .

• When I give my greetings to the teacher and bow a little , the teacher would just pass by without even replying . But if my friend gives her greeting before or after me , OMG! the teacher replies . Whut !? if my voice is to low , okay fine but why does the teachers gimme looks like I came from Mars ? 
• When I socialize with my cousins , they'd just stare at me as if I'm talking an alien language . but when I just sit in the room , listening to musics or reading a book , they're like 'why are just sitting in the room ?' . You know I feel like giving a hard punch in their faces so that they don't have teeth anymore . 
• My friends be like 'what's wrong with your mood' or 'are you in a bad mood' but ask me what's wrong with me if I'm being hyper . then leaves me or make faces as if they don't know me .
• My mom doesn't entertain me if I talk much and just nod as a reply . (Idk if she did hear what I was saying or not)
• Teacher doesn't give me more attention as a failure . All teachers are like ..... (she understands) and just go on with what their teaching especially the hard ones . OMG I FAILED !!!! Why are you giving attention to those who got A+ and stuffs . No use being in science stream after all if I fail all the subjects (not all) .

There's more that I'm too lazy to list . 

Yes I'm the youngest in my family , but they're erasing the my respect towards them .

In fact , I don't have any feelings to respect them at all .

Not anymore ...

Just yesterday , mom scolded me saying that I have to respect my brothers and sisters since I'm the youngest . But I replied ; what for if they don't give me any respect from the start .

She said that it doesn't matter about them not giving any respect to me but what matters more is my respect towards them .

I freaking swear , it stuck in my head until this hour (5 am) that I feel like wanting to hit my head on the wall and wake up in a hospital not remembering a thing that happened .

YOU'RE WRONG MOM !

I'm not an ugly doll who could just be kicked away like that .

I have pride ....

Yeah , sometimes I feel so useless that I always question to myself ,

why did mom and dad have me if 5 children were enough .

Mom even said that it's useless having a child like this .

Well mom , you said a quite few times , aaaaaand your prayers have been answered .

I'm useless , dot .

Last Tuesday , my father should have pick me up after school at 6 but until 7 he didn't arrive .

Around 6 30 , I send a message through a family group in WhatsApp saying that dad hasn't arrive yet and I've run out of credits . No money , only internet that's connected to the library's wifi .

Before that , my sister was online , but she just ignored the message .

Thought that my dad would arrive late .

I spammed the group even more but then my brother was like 'hahaha pity you being ignored' .

He was home for God's sake and have license !

So when they ignored me , I said that I would walk home and it's a luck if I arrive home alive .

(Since the high way to my home is a bit dangerous)

They just laughed at me .

even a few days after ...

I think if I have a knife around my neck , they would still just laugh .

See how insignificant I am ?

If anyone reads this laughing their butts out , I don't even care to mind about them .

especially my siblings . they don't take things like these seriously .

When I'm writing this , shedding tears .

just wanna say , I , SUFI ILHAM am NOT INSIGNIFICANT !

know me too . see me . recognize me .

I'd be thankful . much much .

THIS IS A CRAP !